Eleni Economides

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Sexual Fantasies

February 8, 2019 by Eleni

STIR THE SOUP…IN THE BEDROOM

What do we know about sexual fantasies? Do we all have them? Where do they come from? Do they differ between men and women?

Sexual fantasies are mental images of erotic nature that can lead to sexual arousal. Some wish their sexual fantasies could come true (who wouldn’t want to get some with Johnny Depp or John Dwayne!) but they don’t have to materialize to be “effective”. In fact, sometimes this is what makes them arousing. The fact that we know we don’t want them to ever come true and they most likely won’t (think whips and chains or fantasies of being raped). We all know how successful and popular the book series “Fifty Shades” became.

Our sexual fantasies can be connected to our first sexual experiences. These experiences tend to imprint in our brain and become memorable for years to come so they show up in our mind when we become aroused. What we fantasize when we’re getting it on can also be a result of something we watched or read about. Who hasn’t seen porn? Pornography is one of the places people get their ideas from. It used to be playboy and other magazines, but pornography has evolved nowadays. Anything goes online. I am pretty sure you can find any kind of sex you can imagine if you google it! It can be interactive as well. You just sit in front of your computer or your phone and you can tell the people on your screen what you would like them to do….

Fantasies can reflect our personality. For example, extroverts tend to fantasize more about sexual activities with more than two people like group sex or nonmonogamy while introverts might be more into quieter activities or romance.

Sexual fantasies are safe. No one else knows what they are but us. They happen in our mind when we masturbate or when we have sex with our partner. Usually the peak of the plot in our fantasy is what pushes us over the edge and leads to a wonderful, delicious release.

When people have fantasies that veer from what is “appropriate” they sometimes try to suppress them, and they end up being preoccupied or controlled by them. Think of a fetish. People are self-conscious enough to talk about their fantasies when these are relatively “vanilla” so imagine the possible embarrassment in someone’s mind when they get off by being dressed up as a furry or when they worship someone’s feet. Being open about it can be difficult and the fear and anxiety about being viewed differently if anyone knew can be paralyzing.

In my work as a sex therapist with couples and individuals I make a point to bring up the topic. People are initially shy or embarrassed to talk about it. They often haven’t told each other out of fear of being judged. Most of us would probably feel this way. We are socialized to think that there is only one right way to have sex: penis-in-vagina and we might feel that all other sex is not “normal” or “the right kind”.

I find that when I ask my clients about their fantasies it’s liberating for them. They can finally talk about what’s in their head. They occasionally worry that something might be wrong with them but that is rarely the case. There are few kinds of fantasies that are considered “pathological”. Those would be fantasies of having sex with someone that cannot give consent for example a child or an animal and fantasies of inflicting pain, again without consent. When a fantasy becomes the only way for a person to derive sexual satisfaction that can also become problematic.

Because this topic is a taboo, there is not much research about it. Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, conducted a two-year study involving more than 4,000 Americans and his findings are both surprising and comforting. He found that most people (men and women) fantasized about three things: threesomes and orgies (multi-partnered sex), Bondage and Discipline acts ranging from spanking and light bondage to more hardcore activities and bringing variety and novelty into their sex life by using sex toys, new positions and new settings. He also found that women’s major fantasies involved BDSM and group sex activities and that men’s sexual fantasies included more romantic and emotional content than expected.

Most of the time, it seems we are fantasizing about having certain psychological needs met, like being wanted, and feeling desired and sexually competent. Sharing our fantasies with our partner can potentially bring us closer and make for better sex but we must start with learning how to accept our sexual fantasies for ourselves and be good with that first.

If you decide to share your fantasies start with the less adventurous ones and go from there. You don’t have to get it all out at once. This will help you start feeling more comfortable talking about sex and can contribute to increased intimacy and trust in your relationship.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Creative Ideas for Improving Communication in Your Relationship

April 9, 2018 by Eleni

Whether conducted in the United States or far off lands, many surveys find the number one reason for divorce is poor communication. Beyond having different communication styles, issues often arise when both partners are not comfortable talking about their feelings.

The good news is, talking about feelings is not the only, or even necessarily the best, way for couples to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

Here are some ideas to improve communication in your own relationship:

Small Talk Offers Big Gains

While you may assume that discussing the impending nor’ easter or last night’s season finale is far from connecting emotionally, the truth is, small talk can positively impact communication even more than discussion about feelings. Many couples find it easier to reconnect over the mundane events of life rather than during a serious discussion, most likely because they each feel safer in the mundane space.

The key is to really engage during these small talk sessions. Be interested and curious. Ask questions. By doing this you let your partner know they matter and you care. In the end, life is woven together by strings of insignificant incidents.

Share Commonalities

A recent study published in Psychological Science found that partners feel closer to each other when discussing shared experiences. For instance, many spouses can come together when discussing their children, particularly if they are remembering happy moments.

A second study published in Psychological Science uncovered something very interesting! It turns out that words are not even necessary for shared experiences to improve relationships. Silent communication from enjoying an experience can also heal. Doing something together like riding bikes, going to a movie on date night, or even shopping for new lawn chairs can help you reconnect.

Balance Asking and Offering

Good communication is a dance where the man and woman take turns leading. This means sometimes YOU need to offer up the information and share something about yourself. It could be something as simple as what happened to you in line yesterday at Starbucks.

Other times, let your partner share what they want. Be sure to ask questions and actually LISTEN to the answers. If you don’t understand something they’ve said, ask for clarification. This is a wonderful way to show them you care and are fully engaged.

These communication ideas are deceptively simple, but don’t let their simplicity fool you. If you use these techniques you will find your skills improve and your relationship deepens. And, if you feel you need more help in the communication department, seeking guidance from a therapist is a great idea.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

3 Ways to Build Intimacy with Your Partner

March 15, 2018 by Eleni

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous for having said, “Into each life some rain must fall,” meaning life is always going to throw us some heartache. This same sentiment can be said about relationships. Into each one some irritability, frustration and overall blah-ness tends to fall.

But while it’s common for all couples to go through “the blahs,” you don’t have to throw in the towel and stay there. In fact, couples that put in the time and effort to reconnect with one another often feel even closer for it.

If you would like to build intimacy with your partner, here are some easy ways to start that journey:

Focus and Listen

Thanks to the proliferation of digital media and mobile devices, we live in a world that seems to demand that we all become proficient multitaskers. The problem with this is, it’s hard to shut off this instinct. Most of us are hardly able to have a conversation with a loved one without checking our social media pages or texting a co-worker. This inability to STOP and focus on just being with our partner can absolutely kill intimacy.

If you want to reconnect you’ve got to become aware of when your mind is wandering. You’ve got to really focus on your partner and actually listen with both ears to what they say. Being heard, really heard, makes us feel loved and cared for. By doing this for your partner you will not only make them feel loved and special, you will inspire them to reciprocate the same respect.

Appreciate All They Do

It’s entirely too easy to take our loved ones for granted. Reconnecting requires that we appreciate who they are and all that they do in our lives.

Think of some things that you appreciate about your partner and thank them. Perhaps they always take out the trash without being asked. Maybe they bring you a cup of coffee in the morning when you first wake up, or they do the dishes every night. Take the time to recognize their efforts and thank them from the heart. You will both feel great.

Have Fun

Sure, building intimacy is important, but you don’t have to be so serious about it! One of the absolute best ways to reconnect with your partner is to laugh with them. This is especially true for people who have been together for quite a few years. You forget who each other used to be. But by experiencing novel and interesting activities together, you can learn new things about each other and see your relationship in a new light. 

For some couples, building intimacy can require even more work, especially if there are trust issues. In these cases, working with a couples’ therapist can help partners feel safe enough to work through their issues so they can reconnect.

If you or someone you know is interested in exploring therapy, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I might be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Eleni Economides, LMFT, CST

Phone: (585) 484-0638


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Eleni Economides, LMFT, CST

625 Panorama Trail, Building 2, Suite 200
Rochester, NY 14625

Phone: (585) 484-0638

Fax: 585-388-7922

Email: eleni@betterrelationship.org

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