How women are programmed to think about sex.

From a young age, women—and those socialized as women—are taught to think about sex in specific, often restrictive, ways. These beliefs don’t just come from one place but are reinforced by family, friends, media, culture, and society at large. The result? Many women feel confused, conflicted, and anxious about their own sexuality. So, how exactly are women "programmed" to think about sex?

1. The Virgin vs. Vixen Dilemma

One of the most prominent narratives is the "virgin vs. vixen" dichotomy. Women are often made to believe that they must be sexually pure to be respected (the "good girl"), yet they are also expected to be sexually desirable and skilled (the "seductress"). Society sends mixed messages: if you embrace your sexuality, you risk being judged as promiscuous or immoral. But if you don’t express it, you might be labeled as cold, boring, or repressed. Women are left feeling like they can never get it right, regardless of the choices they make.

2. Shame Around Desire

Many women grow up hearing messages that equate sexual desire with shame. Whether it’s through subtle comments or overt lessons, girls are often taught that “good girls” don’t talk about sex, don’t think about it, and certainly don’t initiate it. Sexual curiosity is sometimes discouraged or labeled as inappropriate. This programming can lead to a disconnection from one's own desires, making it hard for women to own and express their sexual needs as adults without guilt or hesitation.

3. The Pressure to Please

From movies and magazines to social media, there’s a recurring theme that women’s primary role in sex is to please their partner. Women's own pleasure is often seen as secondary or even unimportant. This programming teaches women to be more concerned with how they are perceived in the bedroom—focusing on appearance, performance, and approval—rather than prioritizing their own satisfaction or mutual enjoyment.

4. The "Perfect" Sexual Timeline

Society often dictates that women should follow a very specific sexual timeline. First, they're told to wait—until the “right” person, the “right” time, or marriage. Then, once they're in a committed relationship or married, they're expected to embrace sex and perform at a certain level. This rigid script leaves little room for individual choice and pace, making many women feel anxious or ashamed if they deviate from this expected path.

5. Sex as a Measure of Worth

Women are frequently taught to view their sexual behavior as tied to their worth, both in relationships and in society. If they have "too much" sex, they risk being devalued. If they have "too little" sex, they might be seen as undesirable or defective. This harmful programming teaches women that their value is based on how they navigate a societal tightrope—where every sexual decision is scrutinized.

6. Silencing Sexuality

Women are often taught to keep their sexuality quiet—don't talk about it too much, don't show it too openly. While men’s sexual experiences are often celebrated or normalized, women’s sexuality is still shrouded in taboo. This silencing can cause many women to feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed about their own sexual experiences, desires, or needs.

7. The Role of Pop Culture

Pop culture plays a massive role in programming how women think about sex. From romantic comedies to music videos, there are constant portrayals of women being passive in their sexuality—waiting for men to make the first move, not expressing what they want, or having their sexual worth judged by others. These portrayals often promote harmful stereotypes and reinforce the idea that women’s sexuality exists primarily for others, rather than for themselves.

Reclaiming Sexual Agency

The good news is that while this programming runs deep, it isn’t permanent. Women can challenge and unlearn these limiting beliefs by reconnecting with their own desires, values, and boundaries. It starts with recognizing the societal scripts that have shaped their thinking and then actively choosing to rewrite those scripts.

Women deserve to define their own relationship with sex—on their own terms. By breaking free from societal programming, women can embrace their sexuality as a source of empowerment, pleasure, and personal expression, rather than something that is controlled by external expectations or judgments.

The journey to reclaim sexual agency might not always be easy, but it is incredibly liberating. Women have the power to think differently about sex—and in doing so, they can create a more authentic, fulfilling, and joyful experience of it.